My Empty Carriage

Archive for the ‘Mindfullness’ Category

October 1,2010 Remembering When

Friday, October 1st, 2010

It has been quite a long time since my last entry. Life has taken over and left me zero brain cells for my writing. Recently I have been going through the journey of infertility with someone who is very very dear to me. It brings back all the old feelings of feeling helpless and out of control. I remember like it was yesterday when one of my sisters got pregnant when I was knee deep in my infertility struggle.
I wrote a poem about it that I have never let anyone see. I thought this would be a great time to put it out there.
I feel like my sister has been stalking me for days. She is always here now, when before I never saw her at this house. She has a guilty look in her eyes but I have no idea what it is. I hear her whispering something to my little sister. I hear my name and “did you tell her?” I wonder if it is a surprise party that they are planning for me? But how could they be it is December and my birthday is in May. Something is in the air but I truly have no idea what? It’s Thanksgiving and my sister slips into our bedroom at night as we lie watching “Friends.” Something is on her lips but I ask her to please be quiet. She skulks out. I feel bad but I don’t care. And then she’s back with her husband waiting for me at the house. They won’t leave. I feel trapped by them. Why won’t they go home and leave me alone. I slowly walk home praying that they will not be there when I open the door. I see her new prada bag. She is here waiting for me. I say hello and she follows me to my room. There is a strange look on her face. “There is something that I need to talk to you about.” I can see the gravity of the situation. I ask her if we can talk another day because I am having a really emotionally bad day. She shakes her head not through the smile that sneaks through her lips. I ask her if she can e-mail me the news. Again she shakes her head no and say’s “ I think you know what this is about.” My mind races. Do I? How can I? Then it all hits me. “ You’re pregnant.” She shakes her head yes. Time seems to stop and the room seems to spin. I hold back my tears and smile through my rage and sadness. Congratulations.

Making Infertility Mainstream

Monday, May 17th, 2010

Infertility has been kept on the down low for quite some time now. Millions of people do it but it is not recognized as it should be.

The weight of what families go through it in my opinion is down played. Infertility is popular among the families that experience it’s wrath. But if the statistic is 7.3 million families are using assisted reproduction in some manner  in the United States alone shouldn’t this be a more mainstream topic? Shouldn’t there be more readily available services to those in need of it? And shouldn’t it be more reasonably priced. Cheaper! Why do families have to be penalized if they do not have the means to use assisted reproduction. The penalty being that they cannot have  the children and family they so deeply want. Or being forced to sell everything you hold dear homes, cars to make your dream become a reality.

I feel there should be a more even playing field out there. Now I am no accountant  but if the number sits at 7.3 million and services can go as high as 50,000 a cycle. That means that the drug companies and doctors are reaping many of the benefits of infertility. While families are going broke. I see something wrong with this picture.

When I did IVF in New York City at a very well known clinic I was amazed at the fertility wing. I have never seen a hospital like it. It was a sight to behold. It was like the hospital was paved with gold. I felt like I walked onto the set of the Matrix. Now I also delivered at the same hospital. And when they wheeled me to my room I was looking for the place  had had my transfer. But that was the other wing I was told. I was truly disappointed.

So it would seem to be that this is a mainstream condition that is being more than compensated for by extremely wealthy investors. IVF clinics are in competition with one another with the latest scientific break throughs and live birth counts. That is how they judge it at the end of the day. How many live births did the facility have that year. The personalization of the process is reduced to numbers.

I feel like the families doing it should also be compensated in some way. And yes being able to get pregnant is a compensation. But what about the lead up to becoming pregnant. The psychological stress that woman are under. That should be addressed in the process, for everyone. The toll that takes on families should be factored into the process a family goes through before and after. Perhaps that is a lofty unrealistic thought but accurate.

I think the world of infertility has not been truly tapped into yet.  Well that’s my 2 cents.