My Empty Carriage

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The difference between wanting a baby and actually having a baby

I remember months before my first daughter was born having everything all washed and ready to go. All of her tiny socks and onesies, bibs and bottles.
I could not believe that I was actually having a baby. I truly in my naivete picture a gap ad. My baby would be happy and never cry. A regular gerber baby. I had no idea what sleep training actually meant, or that it was a much debated over topic.
My mother raised 6 of us kids and it all seemed to just work. I guess she made it look easy which was of no help to me.

All I pictured was watching my daughter smile and coo and walk. And how I would be her whole world and she mine. Boy was I in for a reality check. My daughter was born 6 weeks early. Many of these babies have acid reflux which means every time they eat they projectile vomit. I also never knew that could be possible until it happen in my pristine New york apartment. I watched vomit shoot out like a cannon all over my sisal rugs and yes white couch. I hoped that would be a one off. Let me tell you that she did this every time she ate for close to a year. Yes a year. She cried non stop and was always uncomfortable. She was born with something called torta collis which means that she remained in the same position in utero. This meant that one side of her neck muscles were shorter than the other. So we had to do physical therapy 3x a week for almost 2 years. While other babies were rolling over and sitting up she was not.
My entry into motherhood was not what I had anticipated especially wanting it so much. But nothing ever is what you think it should be like in life. It turns out that we had our own journey to go though together and the education I got from dealing with it all helped me be a better mother to her and all of my children. I would go out tomorrow and do it all again. In fact I did 2 more times. But those are another story.


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